Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Hardest Parts of Being a Prodigal Mom

The hardest parts of being the prodigals' mom change from day to day.  But today, these are the hardest things to me.

1.  Each morning when I wake up, I check my cell phone to see if there are any missed calls or texts from Courtney.  I check to see if maybe she emailed me.  Usually the only thing I see is a automatic tweet she scheduled  months ago.  Then I pray that God will put his arms around her and keep her safe all day.

2.  When we sit down for dinner, I wonder what Courtney had to eat that day.  When I'm at the grocery store, my eyes still notice and hesitate over her favorite foods.  But I don't buy them because we have plenty of ramen noodles and cottage cheese now that no one eats them. 

3.  Sometimes if our family doesn't hear from Courtney for a few days, I look on line at the county jail website to see if she has been incarcerated.

4.  The last time Courtney was gone from home, I would ask the police to do a Wellness check if we didn't hear from her in a week.  They would go to where she stayed and make sure she was OK.  This time we don't know where she is staying.  Maybe she hasn't told any of us on purpose.  Or maybe she was trying to live a "normal life" before.  I'm not sure that is still the case.

5.  It is hard to sit in church on Sunday morning and look down our pew to see Courtney's empty seat.

6.  I pray each day more than once, that Christian, believing, good and kind people will be in contact with Courtney.  I pray that her heart will be soft, and she will turn around her life and get on her feet.

7.  I remember when Courtney spoke out in a Sunday afternoon church service a few months before she left again.  With tears in her eyes, she said she and her friend were struggling with alcohol and "other things", and were trying to get their lives right but were struggling to find their way.  No one there contacted either of them after that service.  No one.  No one sent a card or note, and phoned to offer word of encouragement.  And now she is gone again.  It's not their fault, I know.  But I wonder if maybe someone had shown some concern,...

8.  I think about how Courtney told me she lost her faith when she was 18.  I don't know why I can't find a way to help her.

9.  Courtney struggles with depression quite a bit, and cries a lot.  My heart hurts for her, but somehow I couldn't find a way to make a difference for her.

10.  The hardest thing of all is thinking back to when we had three beautiful little girls who were best friends and loved God.  I wish somehow I could go back to that time and try something different so we wouldn't be on this prodigal path.  I wish we'd never learned about this way of life.

47 comments:

  1. There's another prayer being sent to heaven for Courtney today. You love them so much it just hurts, doesn't it?

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers, and for stopping by!

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  2. Thank you so much! Really appreciate that.

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  3. My heart aches for you. I'll be praying for Courtney and for your family.

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers and for stopping by! Hoping things will get better.

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  4. I am praying for Courtney and your family right now. Praying for God to keep his loving arms of protection around her, for your family to be given the strength and wisdom to deal with this situation and for her heart and soul to be impacted by the God.

    God Bless you!

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers. We can all use wisdom! Thanks for stopping by.

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  5. I'm in tears reading about Courtney. My daughter lost her way there to. I prayed, I cried, I beat myself wondering what did I do wrong.

    I can tell you this is not easy, because its your child. We worry about our children that didn't go astray so you know we worry even more about those that do.

    I must say, I am a little angry at the church members or leaders that didn't put their arms around you and Courtney. Both of you need them to embrace what is going on and try to get you and Courtney some help.

    I'm praying that God brings Courtney back home or at least let you know where she is. Waking up daily checking to make sure you didn't miss a call, scared to answer the door because it may be the police with bad news is stressful. But I must say God has your back and will protect both of you.

    Be very specific in your prayers and God will answer.

    Pamela
    Still Dating My Spouse
    http://www.stilldatingmypouse.com

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers and suggestions. I appreciation your concern and advise!

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  6. I am sorry to hear you are going through this, how heart wrenching for you...for any parent to have to go through. I am saying a prayer for Courtney today.

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    1. Thanks so much for your prayers! Glad you could stop by.

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  7. I am sorry you are going through this. Your comment about the people in church reminds me that it doesn't take much to spend a little time to reach out to someone. I think we all get so caught up in our own lives, but that small touch on their lives just might make a difference.

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    1. Thanks! That is exactly what I wanted to convey. I know she is not their responsibility. But sometimes people listen better to someone other than their parents, and we are told to "build each other up". Thanks for understanding.

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  8. My brother was a prodigal, too. Mom cried every day, all day, wondering where he was and if he was okay. He would be gone months at a time and then would phone quickly to say he was thinking of us. Maybe Courtney will do that. If she does, say just thing: I love you, no matter what you're doing. I'll always be here for you. I'll help you pray for your daughter, honey. God bless. Deb

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  9. Your post brings tears to my eyes and a prayer from my heart to God for the safe return and healing of your prodigal.

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  10. My heart aches for you. I too, have an 18 year old daughter. I will pray for Courtney's return.

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  11. I have a fifteen year old daughter and can't imagine what it would be like not to know where she was. My heart and prayers do out to you and Courtney.

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  12. Know that the love and faith you poured into Courtney is still within her. Know that a loving God has always held Courtney in the palm of His Hand. Know that He Who Holds Her can do anything but fail. Know that this plea in the form of a blog post has touched the hearts of many, and our prayers are joined to yours.
    Peace and good to you, and healing and a return of Courtney to your arms and your home.

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  13. Praying for Courtney to return home safe and for you to have strength and peace.

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  14. Now that I am a mother, I understand how difficult this must be. I hope that your daughter returns back to you safe and that she will handle her struggle and come out stronger afterwards.

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  15. I'll be saying a few prayers for both of you tonight. What a difficult path to walk. Now that I have a daughter of my own stories like yours breaks my heart even more. (((hugs)))

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  16. So glad you were on my list from Blogelina's 100 comment event. I decided to work from almost the end of the list up.
    My heart goes out to you...as well as my prayers for you and your daughter. I also have a daughter who went through some difficult times when she was 19...things worked out well for her...and I pray that the same happens for Courtney.
    As parents, we always look to see what we might have done differently...but I believe that as long as you did your best with the best of intentions as your children grow up, the choices are theirs to make.
    Many times, depression is caused by chemical imbalances...and can be helped with medication...it is nothing to do with how good or bad a mother you were.
    I hope you will find the time to come and visit my blog: http://www.viviankirkfield.wordpress.com

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  17. I'll keep Courtney in my prayers. Everyone has a strugle to overcome. Some sooner than others. Know that your prayers will reach her, when she is ready to listen to them.

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  18. Wow, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Your family are in my thoughts.

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  19. My children are still young, but I have always felt that the hardest part of being a parent is the worry... I can "hear" the worry in your post and my heart just breaks for you. I pray that Courtney finds her way and that your pain is eased.

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  20. Your post reminds me to be less selfish about those at church. I can't believe no one followed up with her! If I ever hear anything like that, I hope I have the courage to follow-up. Praying for her safety and return!

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  21. Prayers being sent your way. We went through this type of thing in my family and it took a while for things to turn around bu my family member finally did wake up and turn his life around.

    I'm sorry and hope Courtney turns things around and things get better.

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  22. God does truly care about our loved ones, even if they struggle with things like mental illness and depression. It hurts my heart to think that the people of your church did not care enough nor feel that they should be moved to "speak consolingly to the depressed souls, support the weak." (1 Thessalonians 5:14,15) The fault is neither yours nor God's, but your church appears to be seriously lacking in love and faith.

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  23. I have fears for my children for when they are older and you are living out one of them. I am so sorry. I do not even know what to say except to offer some prayers. I can't imagine the anxiety your daily life revolves around. I just can't imagine.

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  24. Oh my goodness, my heart goes for for you. I just want to let you know that you've got another family that will join you in praying for her. It is well with you.

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  25. A prayer is being lifted for Courtney. As a pastors wife I get so frustrated with how churches handle (or don't handle) people who are crying out for help. I hope that God will send someone into Courtney's life that will draw her back to God because God still loves her.

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  26. Your constant love and prayers are the key to reuniting with your daughter. I think it is wonderful that you're keeping this blog journal of this time - as heartbreaking as it is, I know writing it down will make even more clear the working hand of God! Stay strong as a mother!! Prayers for you!

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  27. My heart breaks for you. I'll be praying for you and your daughter. May she hear God and follow His direction for her life.

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  28. I know your heart is aching. Keep praying for her and I will join you in prayer. Alcoholism is a problem in our family, too. My husband has been sober for 3 years, but I know it will be a struggle for him for the rest of his life. Remember, once you give your heart to Jesus, you're His. Even if she doesn't live for Him, He still has her heart!

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  29. I said a prayer for you and for Courtney. I hope she returns to you & God!

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  30. What a heart-wrenching experience! I watch my three small children now and pray every day they will stay on the path to God, but we don't always have control over those things. Thank goodness that the Lord always has his eye on them. And I hope people do reach out to her. . . I know I wished people from the Church would reach out to my brother when he was struggling for a long time.

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  31. I am sorry for your heartache. Know that even if she never finds her way out of her addictions, that she needs you and that she loves you. I will pray for you.

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  32. My heart aches for you! I think this is every parents worst nightmare. I pray God will provide a return, safe and sound of your prodigal!

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  33. Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even begin to imagine. I'm also a Christian but I struggle with being a good example of my own faith sometimes, and my husband lost his faith about 8 years ago so I do worry about our 3 kids's spiritual lives. I pray that your Courtney will find her way and come back to you and come back to God. In the meantime, I pray for her protection and wisdom and for your family's comfort and peace about the situation. Our God can do anything and it's my prayer that He will bring your family together again soon. Peace be with you.

    Christy
    www.alivinghomeschool.com

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  34. My mom once told me that she prays for us daily. She said she just holds on to this and believes. The Bible says "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". Keep believing. I will pray for God to put people in her life to speak into it. That people will reach out to her. As for the church, we need to do a better job bearing one another's burdens!

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  35. There's power when we pray. But my mom also told me that a mom's prayer is very effective. Pray unceasingly for her and believe that God holds her life in His hands. Praying for you and your fam!

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  36. Aww.. this is so sweet and sad. I'll be praying for her after I write this comment. I'll be prayin for you and your family.

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  37. I am so sorry for your hurt. I know that I was a lot like your daughter when I was 18-20ish... and although I haven't found my "faith", I did get my act together and am now a wife and mom to my own 20 year old (and four others) and I am so so sorry for all the hurt I caused my parents. I hope for the best for you and your daughter.

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  38. Prayers are being sent up for Coutney and your family. Wish I could give you a hug!

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